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Creator: Battersby, H. S. (Hannah S.), -1887?
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To chaff if I should chance to bolt or cry, So, stepping boldly in, the brushes ran, And their appointed active work began, And that they did it well there is no doubt, But having rashly bent one elbow out, Its funny bone was rapped, which made me shout, Then, horrors! the hat brushes wheeled about, I had forgot my hat, so they instead Most unceremoniously seized my head! The horrid thing whirled round at frightful pace, Stripping, it seemed, all skin off nose and face. I tried to stoop, escape from it to find, But only got distracting blows behind, Soothing the part affected not the less; I felt abused, insulted, I confess. The hateful thing, however, stopped at last, And springing to the floor I cast Bewildered and distrustful glances round When, like an added insult, there I found Harry convulsed with laughter at my side, Which nettled my already wounded pride. My anger was extreme on rushing out With one loved whisker curled my ear about, The other brushed across my face; my hair All twisted in a vortex of despair;
Average Jones

AVERAGE JONES By Samuel Hopkins Adams CHAPTER I THE B-FLAT TROMBONE Three men sat in the Cosmic Club discussing the question: "What's the matter with Jones?" Waldemar, the oldest of the conferees, was the owner, and at times the operator, of an important and decent newspaper. His heavy face wore the expression of good-humored power, characteristic of the experienced and successful journalist. Beside him sat Robert Bertram, the club idler, slender and languidly elegant. The third member of the conference was Jones himself.
I felt unable to express my rage At his so vaunted but abusive cage. 'Tis an infernal, demon-formed machine, Shrieked I to Hal, as ever yet was seen, He only roared with laughter as he sat, Saying, 'twas so because you had no hat, You know I charged you to remember that. I tried to laugh but 'twas of little use After such diabolical abuse, But calming down at last I cheerful rose, Wishful, in private, to survey my nose, To see if any skin were left there now, And what the state of my disordered brow. So, hastening to my room with Hal, I found All there so cosily arranged around, That in my admiration I forgot The consequences of my ill-starred lot Why, what a jolly room, to him I said Yes, and you see that second little bed. If you are nervous, or should like me to, As when in France, I'll sleep in it by you. O no, in England I can have no fear, As in the old times when you were not near. All right, old boy, but stay, before I go I'll light the gas, and I must let you know 'Tis done by electricity, through aid